Last night after I posted about my struggle of strength I was listening to some music on my computer. The Boys of Fall, Stuck on You, and 2 Steven Curtis Chapman songs from his eariler days. I also was reading though all my past blogs, and remembering the fun times that had occured during the last year with my friends at school.
During this same time, I was feling a lot better but when a friend texted me saying everything would work out ok I knew I could have the strength to do whatever I chose. At that point those tears that had been bottled up inside me fell, and listening to SCC there was a sense if relief inside me.
Deciding the night had become an enventful one, and the Tigers game was now over I decided to call it a night and pop in some Gilmore Girls to wind down the night.
Just as I was turning off the lamp in the family room, my eyes went to a little ladybug that clung onto the side of the lamp. I didn't think much about it at the time and walked toward the staircase when I was stopped. That ladybug was a sign. A sign from above that everything was ok.
Why does a ladybug say that to me? The ladybug is special for the Chapman's, after Maria became whole in 2008. Since then I have listened to SCC music, read Mary Beth's book this last week, followed their blogs, and recently feel in love with their sons' band Caleb. I'm dying to get to a concert in October to meet them and every which way I am seeing signs.
But back to the ladybug.
Here's an excerpt from Mary Beth Chapman's blog about the meaning of Ladybugs in Maria's life.
"All along, I could tell many stories...we have seen ladybugs at certain times. Maria loved ladybugs! When we pick out her spot for her shell to be buried, we found a ladybug there. Just about every time we go, a ladybug is there. There are a ton of stories about ladybugs. Maria's sheets in her room were even ladybugs! At any rate.....right after the balloons were released and the kids were squealing with excitement, I heard Stevey Joy yell....hey look! As I looked down, a ladybug was crawling up her hand! It crawled to the top of her finger and flew away, just like the balloons! "
http://chapmanchannel.typepad.com/marybeth/2009/05/stevey-joys-class-remembers-mariaand-the-bread-combs-came.html
So as I stopped and thought about what that little ladybug on my lamp meant, I thought of Maria. Listening to her dad and brothers' music that night and looking for a sign I saw it. That little lady bug was a sign from above that everything really was going to be ok.
I looked for the ladybug again this morning and as I was walking down the stairs it was above me on the wall. I just had to smile.
_____________________
So here's to everything being ok.
Until then Choose to SEE life all around you!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Avoiding
Am I avoiding my true feelings?
Maybe.
Am I avoiding growing up?
Not really.
Am I avoiding life?
I hope not!
I've been feeling a little down lately. Not so sure why, but makes me believe I'm avoiding my true emotions and feelings. I could stop and cry just because it seems like a good plan, but what will it do in the long run? It may relieve my feelings at the time, but it will get me no where. I'm in a weird state, no one around and lots of changes happening. At least I have the Tigers to keep my occupied.
Am I avoiding growing up? Not really. To think that I'm a Junior in college is unbelievable. To think that I could have my own classroom in the next 3 to 4 years is scary! But thrilling as well. This time of year always gets me thinking of my excitement during August of back to school. I loved spending time shopping for new clothes and looking at them for weeks in my closet. I loved the first week of school every year meeting my teachers, and hearing about the year ahead. Now the excitement is still there but its not the same. I can never have those childhood excitement days of school back and I know that is what is pulling me into a funk as well.
Life has taken me every where this summer and I can't be more happy with what has occurred in the last 12 months of my life. Of course I've had the stressful moments with classes, money and looking for a job but they are all overshadowed by excitement with friends, nights enjoying the beauty around me, and watching the Tigers of course. (haha) Where I'll be in the coming 12 months, I'm excited to see. I can't wait to see what is in store for me even in the coming semester. Of course I got to figure out this whole change with the College of Ed stuff, and where I stand academically, but I look forward to the long nights with my friends and family.
Am I avoiding church? Its a big question in my mind the last 3 or 4 days. Church has meant a lot to me ever since Fr. Doc spoke to my Confirmation class saying at this was our choice to be confirmed. I had never thought of it that way, it was just another sacrament in the Catholic church. After I went away to school, church became a familiar part of life and getting through the new changes at school. In the long run, I had a group of people that knew the importance of how I was raised and how this would help me get though my freshman year. Don't get me wrong I always have considered Fr. Don and Fr. Brad at St. Luke's my Fathers. But deep down, Fr. Jerry always held a much bigger importance in my life.
I was home the weekend, after Fr. Jerry passed. (I was away when it happened.) Walking into church it was somber but we started to celebrate his life. The next time I went to mass this summer was in July, when Cindy and Sarah were in Allendale. I was excited to see all my St. Luke friends and families. I didn't think mass would affect me as much as it did. All throughout mass my mind went to Fr. Jerry, that's his job, he should be doing that, he will never do that or that. As a couple tears feel I continued to look for strength and got though that mass.
I haven't been back since. So am I avoiding church? I think deep down I really am. Where do we go from here, well I'll be looking for strength to get back to church on the 29th for welcome mass. I know I can do it until then, I don't feel ready. Somehow even though I know Fr. Jerry is whole and in no more pain, he isn't here and its hard to imagine St. John Vianney without him. (Fr. Tim started July 31st.) I know when I get home I can get to St. John Vianney and have Fr. Jerry's strength to do so.
One thing that is giving me strength is the Chapman family's strength in God after their 5 year old was taken from them too soon. After reading "Choosing to SEE", I myself have adopted the strength in Choosing to SEE.
---------
I have so much more to blog about in the next coming weeks. Already from the beginning of this to now I am feeling much better. I will make this my goal before school starts to start blogging regularly again.
Until later,
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.
Maybe.
Am I avoiding growing up?
Not really.
Am I avoiding life?
I hope not!
Am I avoiding church?
Kind of.
I've been feeling a little down lately. Not so sure why, but makes me believe I'm avoiding my true emotions and feelings. I could stop and cry just because it seems like a good plan, but what will it do in the long run? It may relieve my feelings at the time, but it will get me no where. I'm in a weird state, no one around and lots of changes happening. At least I have the Tigers to keep my occupied.
Am I avoiding growing up? Not really. To think that I'm a Junior in college is unbelievable. To think that I could have my own classroom in the next 3 to 4 years is scary! But thrilling as well. This time of year always gets me thinking of my excitement during August of back to school. I loved spending time shopping for new clothes and looking at them for weeks in my closet. I loved the first week of school every year meeting my teachers, and hearing about the year ahead. Now the excitement is still there but its not the same. I can never have those childhood excitement days of school back and I know that is what is pulling me into a funk as well.
Life has taken me every where this summer and I can't be more happy with what has occurred in the last 12 months of my life. Of course I've had the stressful moments with classes, money and looking for a job but they are all overshadowed by excitement with friends, nights enjoying the beauty around me, and watching the Tigers of course. (haha) Where I'll be in the coming 12 months, I'm excited to see. I can't wait to see what is in store for me even in the coming semester. Of course I got to figure out this whole change with the College of Ed stuff, and where I stand academically, but I look forward to the long nights with my friends and family.
Am I avoiding church? Its a big question in my mind the last 3 or 4 days. Church has meant a lot to me ever since Fr. Doc spoke to my Confirmation class saying at this was our choice to be confirmed. I had never thought of it that way, it was just another sacrament in the Catholic church. After I went away to school, church became a familiar part of life and getting through the new changes at school. In the long run, I had a group of people that knew the importance of how I was raised and how this would help me get though my freshman year. Don't get me wrong I always have considered Fr. Don and Fr. Brad at St. Luke's my Fathers. But deep down, Fr. Jerry always held a much bigger importance in my life.
I was home the weekend, after Fr. Jerry passed. (I was away when it happened.) Walking into church it was somber but we started to celebrate his life. The next time I went to mass this summer was in July, when Cindy and Sarah were in Allendale. I was excited to see all my St. Luke friends and families. I didn't think mass would affect me as much as it did. All throughout mass my mind went to Fr. Jerry, that's his job, he should be doing that, he will never do that or that. As a couple tears feel I continued to look for strength and got though that mass.
I haven't been back since. So am I avoiding church? I think deep down I really am. Where do we go from here, well I'll be looking for strength to get back to church on the 29th for welcome mass. I know I can do it until then, I don't feel ready. Somehow even though I know Fr. Jerry is whole and in no more pain, he isn't here and its hard to imagine St. John Vianney without him. (Fr. Tim started July 31st.) I know when I get home I can get to St. John Vianney and have Fr. Jerry's strength to do so.
One thing that is giving me strength is the Chapman family's strength in God after their 5 year old was taken from them too soon. After reading "Choosing to SEE", I myself have adopted the strength in Choosing to SEE.
---------
I have so much more to blog about in the next coming weeks. Already from the beginning of this to now I am feeling much better. I will make this my goal before school starts to start blogging regularly again.
Until later,
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.
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